This, my final Centerstage article before I up and moved to New York, New York, actually turned out to be really hilarious and well-written. Who wouldn't love a dating guide centered around...uh...going to college?
 And again we've another prime example (above) of me running out of clever ideas for pictures to go with these articles. It looks like I'm about to fucking pounce, though, so that's awesome.
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Feature Article: Hot Dates for Hot Hotties Who Love to Get Hot
Posted by Benjamin Andrew Moore - 5.21.2009 |
The title for this article is
actually a reference to a line (from a classic Worthless comic) written
by Hass. It has a fantastic ring to it, but don't tell Hass I said that. Don't you dare.
Huh.
Either I was too lazy to do it or I'd just run out of clever ideas, but
as a result, I didn't add my own hilarious picture to this article.
Forgive me! (Just so you know, though, it wasn't a job requirement.)
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This was the first of a two-part dating guide special that dealt with thermally-themed dating activities.
FYI, I wrote this (and the College Dates article) all the way through before I remembered that they were supposed to be dating guides, so I had to go back through and pepper them with vague, sex-related references at the last minute. I think it shows.
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Somehow, at some point in time, I got pigeonholed into writing dating guide after dating guide for Centerstage Chicago. Apparently, my "Anti-Dating Guide" was such a hit that everyone wanted to see 'more of the same,' starting with this one.
My editors named the original version of this article "Dude Dates," but I can't, in all honesty, bring myself to call it that. Besides, Man-Dates is a really clever play on words.
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Finally, a fun one. I sort of got to write about actual comic books this time, primarily because the comic books were made by people who were either from Chicago originally or were living in Chicago currently or had, at one point long ago and only for a brief amount of time, driven through Chicago on a fluke.
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This was an article I was assigned to write, if I'm not mistaken. I can't imagine a scenario wherein I would voluntarily seek out the opportunity to write about a conservatory, even if the name "Garfield Park Conservatory" does remind me of that delightful Garfield and Friends cartoon from the early 1990s.
   That said, I recall being pleasantly surprised by how much the place looked like Super
Mario 3 (another of my treasured childhood experiences), what with all the different "worlds" to explore.
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This was another situation where I was like, what the hell can I write about that doesn't bore me to tears? Movies, that's what. See, I adore movies. I adore them so much that I would writhe around in an egg-sac full of entrails and feces and vomit and movies all damn day long, week-long, month-long, and year-long, so long as as the movies were there in the sac with me.
JUST SO YOU'RE AWARE: I wrote this article well before The Dark Knight came out, so I didn't feel it was morally appropriate to include it on this list of "Chicago movie locations where I love to reenact movies." That said, if I were to rewrite the article today, it'd be right at the top of the list. In my opinion, it's the most beautifully shot "Chicago movie" ever made.
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When I started freelance writing for Centerstage Chicago, I had to bend over backwards to cover subjects I was even remotely interested in. For example, I could give three shits about any sort of fish fry under any sort of circumstances ever, Chicago bartenders, or 85% of the crap that I "reviewed." Which is why I jumped —quite literally, I jumped —at the chance to write about comic books (or, to be more accurate, the places you go to buy them) when the opportunity arose.
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The following article, also written for Centerstage Chicago, was intended as an anti-dating "guide," but it's mostly just entertaining and hilarious.
In all actuality, I have very little experience getting rid of girls, and if I recall correctly, it was my least favorite thing to do after talking to hipsters. Oh. Uck. Ack. My gag reflex is going crazy just thinking about those nasty, shit-looking sons of bitches.
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Lord knows I love cheesecake.
Hence, when I worked for Centerstage Chicago—the Sun-Times entertainment website—I wrote an article about said adoration and my subsequent search for the most delicious cheesecake in Chicago, Illinois. As you can plainly see above, the consequences were physically fucking dire.
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